Lately, I've been so tired by life, I must sound like a broken record.  My discontent has reached a point where I want to go back to being my optimistic self, able to find some joy in this life, even though it is fraught with difficulty. 

And then I recall the daily practices I have let lapse:
1.  The habit of giving gratitude to God for all the many big and small blessings He so richly bestows upon me on a daily basis, instead of taking things for granted.
2.  The habit of attributing glory to God, instead of focusing on the faults and frailties of those around me. 
3.  The habit of remembering His grace is sufficient, instead of worrying about what I should do next, and in several worst-case scenarios. 
4.  The habit of living life as a prayer, aware of His divine hand, ever present and near, instead of isolating myself from Him
5.  The habit of hospitality and generosity, instead of closing myself off from others, afraid of giving more than I have
6.  The habit of relying on God's love, instead of my own, which indeed is limited
7.  The habit of cherishing and meditating on His word, instead of taking them as just more words in my life
8.  The habit of daily confession, instead of sporadic sputterings here and there
9.  The habit of frequent and persistent intercession for others, instead of on occasion
10.  The habit of falling ever more in love with Him, instead of holding back more and more

Oh Father in heaven,

I know You have sent Your son for me, yet I am still burdened and weary. I thank you that Jesus is indeed greater than he in the world, and that You would carry me with Your matchless strength and everlasting love.  I ask that You would transform me from a tired woman, wanting to do less and less, to a woman who is filled with Your living water, able to give to others, even in supernatural ways.  I ask that You would fill whatever time I have on earth with Your presence, and in every experience I may go through, help me to fix my eyes upon You, and finish the race You have set before me.

In Jesus' name.  Amen.

It's funny how you don't know what constitutes "home" until you're away for a while.  Being away in Thailand with my husband, it was nice, to be in warm 80 degree weather, with the sun shining, and the waters glistening in the sun.  There was Thai food everywhere, and new places to see and explore.  Bangkok was a busy place, and Phuket, a beautiful island to relax in.  But towards the end, I started missing being in America.

Home is where the heart is, and in some ways, it means being with the people you love.  And I started missing friends and family, and even some of the every-day-ness of going to work and chatting with coworkers and staff.  I started missing radio stations, especially Star 99.1, and the gathering together with other believers in church.  I was away just long enough to appreciate more all that I have here.  And of course, I started missing having sandwiches, and pasta!

Being back "home", I am struck by how dis-connected I feel to my inner self.  I really do feel like I'm going through the motions, and though I feel more comfortable with everything around me being familiar once more, I feel less alive somehow.  Staying within the limits of every day, I am no longer pushing, striving.  Yet I am not at peace...

I sense within me, this burgeoning potential, to be so much better than I am.  How many faults have I carried with me for years, and how many ways have I told myself, that it's ok... Even so, God has carried me further than I could have ever imagined, for which I am grateful...

Maybe I'm in a holding pattern, in training for what lies ahead.  Maybe the easier days of today will give way to times of trial, and I'll look back to these days as halcyon days, passed by in pleasantries and good conversations and lessons learned... And though I see it only in my mind's eye, I do pray that God would show me how to be obedient to Him, and that I may stand before Him one day, and hear the words: "Well done, good and faithful servant."

Old friends have come and gone
As they moved away

New friends have entered in
But only time will tell if they are true

And through this rotation and this dance
There are moments when one knows

Not a friend could be found
Who knows the me of me